Random act of kindness: Turtles in Time

Tuesday, November 02, 2004 02:59 PM

Due to the overwhelming popularity of these posts (one guy told me he liked them, sort of), I have once again taken it upon myself to sift through the search phrases leading to this site and answer them to the best of my abilities. While this might reflect badly on my perceived - although practically non-existent - sanity, reading these search phrases shows that there are some people out there a little crazier than I am. I like that.

As usual, let's dispense with the naming issues first. I'm admittedly slow, but I have to say the amount of searches cute partner/couple/associate/inanimate object/pet/breasts/other body parts names is getting scary. People, if you can't find in your heart a ridiculous name for your loved one, I doubt the Internet is the next logical place to look.

I'm happy to report a rise in the number of scientific explorations leading to my blog. Curiosity is important (it's what separates us from the frog), and I'm always happy to respond to misguided searches with appropriate misinformation.

"The five-second rule about whether it safe to eat food that been drop on the floor"

Although not an expert in biology, I was fairly impressed by this question. Someone taking the time to type this complete, yet grammatically incorrect sentence and feed it to a search engine obviously deserved to know more about the issue. The five-second rule indeed states that food is still safe to eat for five seconds after it has been dropped on the floor, and has been the subject of some prize-winning scientific research. If you do drop some food, the best course of action is to immediately run to your computer, and use these precious five seconds to search the Internet for permission to eat it anyway.

"Interesting information on gummy bears"

Well, let's start with the real shocker. Like Koala bears, gummy bears aren't really bears. Gummy bears are peace-loving herbivores, although there have been some unconfirmed reports of gummy-cannibalism, especially among the red ones. A fully-grown gummy bear spends most of its time sleeping or reading, and can eat up to half its body weight per day, although nobody really knows how. They rarely achieve adulthood, though, and are often devoured by their natural predators. These include the Koalas, who eat he leaves of gum trees, and small children.

"Experiments with gummy bears"

Many scientists (although not respected ones) have tried experimenting with gummy bears. These attempts are rarely successful, since gummy bears are highly uncooperative and tend to disregard scientific research from an early age. Gummy bears have refused to run through mazes, and rarely respond to stimulation.

While I do admire the spirit behind these questions, something tells me the original intent might not be as benevolent. The search phrase "experiments gummy bears water" leads me to believe that people are not so much looking to advance human knowledge, as they are trying to find new and inventive ways to torture poor, defenseless candy.

"How many Internet users in Gaza in 2004"

Moving on to statistics, I have to say: probably not a lot. You see, they have other things on their mind now, with the whole occupation and missiles-in-the-middle-of-the-street thing going on. (Seriously, though, there are actually quite a lot of Internet users in the Occupied Territories - it's one of the only remotely normal things they have left, and is a great way of keeping in touch with the outside world).

"Free cute couple archive"

I'm absolutely not going to touch this one.

"What does Beta not mean"

Alpha, little things with fur, little things without fur, world hunger, and garden furniture, to name a few. It also doesn't mean final.